I have no words, but I need to speak.

I don't often post about social issues on Facebook. I never thought I would blog about it either.  I have been trying to find balance in my life, so I decided I would just use facebook and my blog for family, fun and crafting. Plus with two kids with special needs, a full time teaching job, and a desire to have my own life, I just don't have time to go into all the issues that I find important. I am a teacher after all.

But today is different. I am feeling all alone and very far away from my community and watching the grief and anger on Facebook is heartbreaking. I also struggle with trying to put my feelings around these complicated issues into words, especially when others are so much more eloquent than me. But I can't be silent anymore. My grief is too severe.  My daughter's school, my school district lost a role model, our community is angry. I am heartbroken.

But I don't know what to say. I am sad and scared. I have always been aware of the serious issues facing African Americans in our country and have made it a goal to find a way to do something about it. I have dedicated my life to teaching. I spent years working in tough urban schools. It was hard. I often felt helpless. I watched my kids struggle, watched their community struggle,and I often felt like I wasn't making a difference. I realized that I wasn't enough. The problem is bigger than me. The issues are big and complicated and will require real work and dedication from everyone to fix.

 I spent time trying to understand how it feels to be a minority. Putting myself in situations where I was the only white person as often as I could. Immersing my child and myself in communities of color. Listening and learning and talking. Courageous conversations about how it feels to be followed at the mall, hassled by the police, ignored, dismissed, harassed.

I often felt ashamed and embarrassed by my race. I began to understand the stress they felt just for being who they were; an everlasting cycle of shame, fear, frustration and anger.

 I truly believe that education is the answer, the great equalizer. I work at a school now where my goal is not just to educate the students of color, but to teach my white students about their privilege and the perspectives of all people. As frustrated and sad as I am, I believe that we are becoming more educated and that maybe we can get some justice and make change. Because these situations of police violence towards people of color are nothing new. We are just more aware.

It's not fair, it has never been fair. But now we are talking about it, more people are part of the conversation. Now you know what many of us have known for years. Racial profiling is alive and well in America.

 I decided years ago, after I had my second child, I had to change. I couldn't be so angry anymore. I had to find a balance, find positivity. I'm not talking rose colored glasses, where you ignore shit and pretend everything is just peachy. That is not me, and that is not helpful. I have tried to find the good and look for solutions. But today...I can't. Where is the good? Where are the solutions? I feel helpless again. Not in my town, my city of St Paul.

I love our vibrant diversity, our work as a community to discuss tough issues and look for solutions. I know we are not perfect, but I have always been so proud of where I live and work. Now I am sad and ashamed. I never thought anything like this could ever happen here. I don't know what to think anymore. I have so many more thoughts racing through my brain, but I am out of words for now.

I am homesick and wish I could be at my daughter's school with the hundreds of protesters asking for justice. Take care of each other. I am with you in spirit.